Before I get started on the warm and fuzzy stuff, I suppose I should give you an update on where we are now…
I’ve experienced a “new” kind of pain over the past week, a crippling pain on my left side, a little higher than usual, it shoots up into my left shoulder at times too. I went for some more tests and the results have come back. My spleen is dramatically enlarged, that’s where the pain is coming from. this horrible parasite has found its way into the 1st of my organs, my spleen is infected with cancer. It’s not good news, but, it does not mean that cancer is winning, I am still very much in this fight! As far as a treatment plan goes, we’re not quite there yet and nothing is set in stone. rest assured though, I will do whatever I need to do.
If there’s one thing I’ve realised since I started this journey it’s that no two days are ever the same. I expected there to be good days and bad days but I had no idea how many levels of good and bad there are.
There have been many mornings when I wake up and I don’t want to get up. I feel the pain as soon as I open my eyes and the tears come almost immediately. I tend to look around the room and think, I just want to stay here today, I don’t want to see anyone, i don’t want to speak to anyone, I don’t want to work. I just want to take another pill, pull the duvet over my head and hide from everything and everyone. There have been one or two days that I’ve actually tried it. It lasted for about 5 minutes. After a stern pep talk to myself, I get up, wipe the tears away, take a good long look in the mirror, remind myself that i am still alive, I need to act like it and I get going. I convince myself that if I don’t, if I stop, even it’s for one day, I will lose my mind. I make myself believe that I have to keep going, I have to carry on as usual.
Today was different though. I woke up this morning, a little earlier than usual, and I just couldn’t stand the thought of functioning. I looked next to me and all of a sudden I missed my husband terribly. He had probably left about an hour before I woke up but I felt as though I hadn’t seen him for months. For some reason I felt like I will never see him again. It was the most horrible feeling. A new kind of fear rushed through me and I sobbed my heart out. I grabbed his pillow and held on so tight, for so long, I don’t think anything could get that pillow away from me at that point. I thought of all the things I haven’t said, everything I haven’t done, but most of all, I thought about how absolutely amazing he is in every way and how I don’t tell him nearly enough how wonderful he is and how much I love him.
When I finally managed to calm down, I was exhausted. the pain was worse than it’s ever been and I just couldn’t do it. I tried the pep talk, it didn’t work, I reminded myself of everything I had to get done today, that didn’t work either. I just lay there and cried. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so alone, so scared or in so much pain.
at least an hour passed and I was lying there, sobbing my little heart out and battling move. My head was filled with horrible, negative thoughts and i couldn’t think of anything good. At that point my phone beeped and I mustered up the strength to look at it. It was an email, someone has just left a comment on my blog. Suddenly I remembered how much support I have, how overwhelmed I’ve been by all the messages, calls and comments and how absolutely blessed I am. I thought about my business, my Graci, and how hard I’ve worked to get it to where it is and I told myself, “Mandy Loubser, get up, this business is not going to run itself.” I reminded myself to be grateful for all these things and I smiled. The pain started to ease up slightly and I could finally get up.
Needless to say, today hasn’t been the best day, I’m more tired than usual and the pain’s pretty bad today, but, I’m carrying on. I’m strong. I have my brave face on and I’m ready for whatever else is coming my way. If nothing else, I am a hell of a lot more positive than I was when I woke up this morning.
The point is, no matter what road you’re on, it not always going to be easy, it not going to be possible to be positive and happy all the time. Sometimes you just have to let go and allow yourself to feel what you feel, think what you think and just be. The tough part is knowing when enough is enough and it’s time to pull yourself together and get moving again. Bad news will come, there will be pain and you will feel like it’s not okay anymore but in the end, once you’ve dealt with your feelings and thoughts, you have to get up again, you have to keep going. You can do this.
I believe it’s important for me to cry, even though I’m an “Ice Queen”, I believe it’s important for me to feel, even though I’m “One Tough Cookie” and I believe it’s important for me to think about everything, even though I’m positive. I believe this is all a part of the fight, my fight and in the end, I will win.
Bright and early tomorrow morning, we”ll be cheering the cyclists on in the Silverstar MTB Classic and I will be there, kited out in my Vrede gear and supporting the cause which is so very close to my heart. If you can, please pop in, say hi, bring me a great big hug and buy yourself an awesome T-shirt.
Cancer you may invade my body, you may have control of my spleen, but you will NOT beat me.
chin up, game face on, let’s just keep walking
One Day at A time