Again Today…

On Saturday evening, I had a very hard, extremely painful conversation with my 3 best friends. First the first time, I realised the true extent of how my diagnosis has affected them and how much pain they’re in. We spoke about words are how little they mean in the grand scheme of things. It tore me apart to realise how difficult it is for them to see me like this and hear me say, everyday, that I’m okay even I’m not. I realised that in trying to protect them from this, I’m actually making it more difficult. It was tough!

This morning, on my way to work, I heard a song by one of my favourite artists, Brandi Carlile. Although I’ve listened to this song a million times, it has never had as much meaning and it never touched home quite like it did today. After the weekend’s conversation, the lyrics cut like razors. The song’s called Again Today. These are the lyrics…

Broken sticks and broken stones

Will turn to dust just like our bones

Its words that hurt the most now isn’t it

Are you sad inside, are you home alone

If I could just pick up the phone

Maybe you can see a better day
and you won’t waste away under my watchful eye

Because I’m your hero and you’re my weakness
who’s gonna break my fall when the spinning starts

The colours bleed together and fade

Was it ever there at all or have I lost my way

The path of least resistance is catching up with me again today
I’m broken down, not good enough

The broken promises add up

To twice their weight in tears which I have caused

Until I’m afraid to sink, I’m afraid to swim

I’m sad to say, I miss my friends

I know that I’m supposed to step away
but they need me to stay and keep a watchful eye

On all my heroes and all their demons
But who’s gonna break my fall when the spinning starts

The colours bleed together and fade

Was it ever there at all and have I lost my way

The path of least resistance is catching up with me again today

Not today, not today
was it ever there at all or have I lost my way

The path of least resistance is catching up with me again today
Oh, broken sticks and broken stones

Will turn to dust just like our bones again today

I am broken down not good enough

The broken promises add up again today, oh
Was it ever there at all and have I lost my way

The path of least resistance

Is catching up with me again today, again today

I am so blessed to have my girls, my “mines”, in my life and I am unbelievably grateful for every moment with them. They truly are my heroes and I need to be here to watch over them.

The strangest thing about this journey is the discovery. Every day I learn something new about myself, about the world and about life. I find new limitations and new challenges, I find strength and inspiration somewhere unexpected and most importantly, I realise that even though my life has changed dramatically, and I’ve had to make some pretty drastic changes to my lifestyle, I am still me, I am still Mands. It’s so important that all the people in my life, especially my angelic friends, remember that. No matter what happens now, no matter where this journey leads, I am, and will always be Mands.

I draw my strength, my courage and my inspiration from the people around me and I am amazed everyday at how lucky I am to have so much support. One thing you need to realise, no matter what journey you’re on, is that you cannot walk alone! No matter how, tough, stubborn or independent you are, you need that support. Take it, use it and be thankful for it! Trust me; you will be amazed to see how many people will hold you up when you cannot stand.

I should have a new ‘medical’ update for you tomorrow, but as of today, I’m feeling good. There is quite a bit of pain and I’m struggling with fatigue but, I am still here, I am strong and as of today, cancer has not beaten me.

I must tell you all, once again, how much I appreciate all your comments. It really does help to hear from you. The point of this blog is to, above all else, inspire and it means the world to me to have your feedback. If this blog inspires you, let me know, if you think it could inspire someone else, send it on. The more people who see this, the more likely it is to help someone. If you have any questions, Please feel free to ask. I would be honoured to take part in your journey as you are in mine, so, talk to me… no matter what journey you’re on, I’d like to walk with you.

Thank you for holding me up when I cannot stand, thank you for inspiring me and most of all, thank you for taking this journey with me. As long as you’re walking with me, I know I will never walk alone.

Wishing you all the most awesome week.

One Day at a Time.

8 thoughts on “Again Today…

  1. Ironic, but true. Just remember that ur true friend will always be by ur side. Some may be close and some far. If we know u well, we’ll all know that u are not ok, and when being told not to worry, we do anyway because we care. It will just take others longer to come to terms with what is happening. I’ve know u since u where 14, and I was at a loss of words and I still am.

    The lyrics bellow will explain,

    When you walk through a storm
    Hold your chin up high
    And don’t be afraid of the dark.
    At the end of a storm
    Is a golden sky
    And the sweet, silver song of a lark.
    Walk on, through the wind,
    Walk on, through the rain,
    Though your dreams be tossed and blown.
    Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart,
    And you’ll never walk alone,
    You’ll never walk alone.

    Love u with all my heart and when u feel down think of the above and remember “you’ll never walk alone”


  2. There’s a My Chemical Romance song that I like to crank up loud when I’m having a rough day. One of those where you’ve spent the whole day smiling and saying you’re ok… and you just need a moment to yourself to admit that you’re not – if you get a moment, check out the song “I’m not Ok (I Promise)” by My Chemical Romance.

    Its a messy, crazy, loud, emotional song, and strangely enough, after a messy, crazy, loud and emotional jam to this song… one actually starts to feel a bit better. There is freedom in truth, and I think that being truthful about one’s own state is liberating and healing.

    Your strength and attitude are an inspiration. x


  3. My dearest little mine, you are such an awesome and brave little thing. No matter what you go through or where this journey takes you, you will always be Mands to us. We love you so much! I do not always have the words and don’t always know what to say, but you can always count on me. I will be there for you when you need me and even when you don’t. This unwanted “C” that has invaded your body has also invaded our lives and has caused absolute heartbreak. This has also taught me that we do not tell each other that we love each other nearly enough, so now, as you know, I will tell you and our other mines that I love you each and every opportunity I get. Being friends with you guys are one of the best things ever. You guys fill a hole in me that I never even knew was empty.
    I am sure that you know that you are not only a friend to us, but more like our little sister. We love you so much and are super over-protective of you. This is also why I think that we were affected the way we were on Saturday, having the conversation we did. But anyway, we will laugh together and cry together, and be there for each other as we go on this journey together. We love you always!


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