Unfortunately, I doubt this is going to be one of my most inspirational posts. The last few days have been incredibly taxing on me and I think it’s safe to say I’m not in the best state of mind at the moment. Hopefully you will be able to find something useful in here. Maybe you could do the inspiring for today.
On Wednesday morning I went for what was supposed o be a series of systematic radiation sessions. These sessions were said to be an integral part of my palliative plan. Because my cancer is so dramatically advanced, the doctors felt it was the best and possibly only option to control the symptoms in combination with the medication they are giving me. Well… it really didn’t go according to plan. It turns out that my body doesn’t like or appreciate being nuked from the inside out and having radioactive liquid injected into my blood stream. In fact it outright rejected the whole idea… completely. I was violently ill during and after the session… instant side effects! The doctors say it’s as if I’m allergic to it…. allergic to radiation… have you ever! Apparently it’s extremely rare but it has happened… of course! My Mom said it best, “Nothing is ever simple for you is it. When given one in a million odds, you always end being the one.” Long story short…. radiation on its own is not an option anymore. Thankfully I have a fantastic medical team. They came up with a new plan which involves mixing systematic radiation drugs in with a chemotherapy cocktail. It’s dangerous, it might not work and worst of all, it could make things worse. The doctors suggest that we try it because there aren’t any other options at this point. I wasn’t thrilled about it but I promised to d whatever it takes, so, let’s try it.
I’ve been going through 7 kinds of hell inside my mind since then. I think the combination of feeling absolutely horrible, not being able to sleep despite the awful fatigue and the sleeping pills, and realising the fact that I might not be ok after all sent me into turmoil. I felt fear like I have never experienced it in my life and at one point, I found myself on my knees, weeping and begging for God to take it away. For the first time since my diagnosis, I was sad, really, truly sad. It was as if I was mourning for my life, as if it was already over. I thought about everyone and everything that I’d leave behind. I thought about my business and what will happen to it when I’m gone. I missed my friends, my family, and my husband. It felt as though I would never see any of them ever again and that hurt like hell.
Yesterday morning, I had a semi-permanent chemo catheter inserted into my right forearm which has to stay there until I’m done with chemo. It’s pretty uncomfortable and quite restrictive. I’m hoping they will be able to relocate it tomorrow. The actual session wasn’t great… well, it’s chemo, of course it wasn’t great. The nausea came as soon as the liquid entered my body and it hasn’t gone away yet. The worst part is, the nausea and the fatigue don’t mask the pain or allow me to forget about it, they actually just add to it. I’m pretty sure that the combination of my current state of mind, the sadness of my soul and the way I’m feeling physically is quite dangerous. I’m finding it very difficult to be positive and even more difficult to be strong. I just pray, with everything I have in me, that this will work. I don’t have many options now and I’m terrified. I’m also hoping that this depressive state of mind will disappear so I can go back to being Superwoman.
I cannot tell you that the way I’m feeling now is acceptable. I can’t tell you that’s its normal. I honestly don’t know. I would imagine that these moments are inevitable for anyone on this journey and so, my opinion is…. let nature take its course, feel what you need to feel and then pick yourself up again and carry on. Keep moving, one day at a time. Just do not allow this to consume you or push you to the ground, push yourself up. You can do this.
I’m trying so hard to be brave and strong and positive because I believe, with everything that I am, that those things are so important for me to get through this. I need to be okay, I need to inspire others to be okay and I need you to be proud of me. That’s why I’m here, that’s why I’m doing this. I believe that we’re only given as much as we can handle and there’s always a deeper purpose. I believe, to the depths of my soul, that I was given this burden; I was chosen to fight this battle and travel this journey to help others carry their burdens, fight their battles and travel their own journeys. I believe that I was meant to inform and inspire not only fellow cancer warriors but anyone who is dealing with something difficult. For that reason I will fight for the courage to be strong and brave and I will continue to document my journey in the hope that someone somewhere finds peace. I will do my best not to fall apart and I will keep walking, no matter what.
The scariest part is… I am actually as stubborn, tough and hard-headed as they say I am and I don’t like to admit that I need help or that I’m not doing so well. I am really good at wearing my brave mask, making sure that no one ever sees me fall apart and playing down the details so that it doesn’t sound so bad. I go for my chemoradiation sessions alone and I don’t talk about my conversations with my doctors. That’s just how I’ve chosen to handle this. This blog is really the only place that I let go, even just a little. I need you to know, even though this is how I am, that does not mean that I don’t need or want anyone to support me and be there for me. The truth is, I need your love and support more than you will ever comprehend and even though I may not let it show, you strengthen me by being there for me. I cannot do this alone, this journey is long, tough and scary, I really need you here to hold my hand.
I wish that I could find the words to describe what an impact your support has on this fight. It amazes me every single day. I know it may seem like yours is just one of many comments or messages or calls… trust me… it’s not! Each and every word is taken to heart and I cherish them all. Hearing from you means the world to me; it makes me feel like I can take another step, I can keep climbing this mountain. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
One Day At A Time