Today I just don’t want to! I don’t want to be strong, I don’t want to be tough and I most certainly don’t want to function! Sounds terrible doesn’t it…
Well, I’m my last post, I said it’s impossible to be positive all the time and sometimes you just need to fall apart, that is so true today. Today is definitely my ‘fall apart’ day. I’m exhausted, I’m in pain, I feel horrible and I’m in a mood from hell. I’m not as emotional as I am angry, although the two seem to provoke exactly the same reaction lately… tears… and lots of them! The truth is, I’m not negative, I’m just tired; I’m not giving up, I just really need a break.
Just for one day, I really need my business and my life to function (effectively) without me, I need to forget about everything and just hide. I don’t want to be responsible for a business, I don’t want to be the boss and I don’t want to make all the decisions. I want someone to decide for me, I want to hand every little problem to everyone else and not care. I want to switch off my mobile and ignore my emails. I want to sleep!
Today got me thinking about what is really going to happen to Graci when I’m not here anymore. I’m not talking about ownership, I’ve had that all sorted out. I’m talking about how it’s going to run. I’ve worked so hard to get this business to where it is and the truth is I can’t stand the thought of anyone else running it. This is my baby, my big achievement and I am so unbelievably proud of it. Will anyone else have that pride? Will someone else be as determined to keep it going and as driven to see it grow and prosper? I’m so scared that Graci will die with me, that it will slowly wither away and disappear. I suppose this is how parents feel when they consider leaving their children. I don’t have children; infertility is just another check on the list of things I’ve had to deal with. This business is my child; I’ve nurtured it, loved it and taken care of it just as I would a child and I suppose that’s why I feel the way I do. Can I really expect someone else to take the same care of my ‘child’? I’ve been extremely fussy about the way it’s been run and I’ve been very particular about the processes and procedures that are followed… but what about when I’m not here to enforce them? These thoughts terrify me!
That being said, I have faith in my staff and in my brand. I know it’s a good company, built on a good foundation and it has the potential to survive against all odds. I just hope, no, I pray, that legacy will continue long after I’ve said my goodbyes.
It may seem unnecessarily morbid to be talking about this, maybe it is but I think it’s important now. I feel that I need to consider and deal with these types of things right now, not because I think I’m going to die, I don’t, but rather because I need to be ready for whatever happens. I need to make sure that I have peace in my mind and more importantly in my heart so that, should I reach the point of no return, I can rest easy, knowing that I’ve done all that I can do and it was enough.
I have had a beautiful life. I’ve had privileges that some people only dream of, I’ve experienced things that still blow my mind and most importantly, I have never, not once, been anyone other than me. If I had to sum my life up into one sentence, it would be this…
I DID IT MY WAY!
There isn’t a song that is more appropriate to my life. Frank Sinatra sang it best. I’ve taken opportunities as they presented themselves; I tried new things, new careers and I’ve never been afraid to take a chance. I’ve lived spontaneously and although that has gotten me into trouble once or twice, I have always done what I’ve felt I needed to do, in my way and on my terms. I’ve gone against the grain and I’ve spoken my mind, even when it would have been better to bite my tongue but at the end of the day, I defended my beliefs, my family and my friends with all of my strength and no matter what, I am proud of that. I have regrets, I know you’re not supposed to say that, but let’s be honest here, we all have regrets. I’ve done some really stupid things in my life, I’ve hurt people and I’ve broken my fair share of hearts, but I’ve lived. I’ve loved beyond words and I’ve had my heart broken, I’ve given my all and I have failed. I have had one hell of a life so far. It’s not over yet and no, I’m not preparing for my end, I’m simply taking the time to reflect on what has already been. I suggest we all do this once in a while, I believe it helps to realise that life’s not that bad and we all have so much to be thankful for.
Although I’m not the brightest ray of sunshine today, I have no doubt tomorrow will be better. I will strong and tough and full of it again tomorrow, but as for today, I think I’m just going to call it quits. I’m going to go home, climb into bed and sleep the rest of this day away, let’s hope I can sleep this mood away too.
One Day At A Time