Dear Agony

Life could end for any one of us at any given moment, no one knows how much time they may have left in this life and yet, under normal circumstances, we tend to put very little thought into the possibility that this moment may be the last. We don’t concentrate very hard on something as trivial as breathing because our minds automatically assume that after each breath another will follow and so it will go on, we very rarely consider that at some point, there won’t be another breath and it will not go on. Then of course something like cancer comes along and all of a sudden we become aware of every second, every breath and the fact that at some point, possibly soon, it’s all going to end and there will be no more. Although there are a million things that could kill me at any time, I’ve never really thought about them but with a cancer diagnosis comes the expectancy of a fatal result, I became instantly aware of my mortality and day by day I become a little more conscious of every breath I take and every moment that passes. I am almost afraid to sleep because I can’t stand that fact that I will miss out on valuable hours that I will never get back again, sleeping sometimes seems like such a waste of time.

Lately I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated with the fact that I can rarely make it past noon, as hard as I may try, I cannot carry on and I simply don’t have the strength to continue to function anymore. I hate the fact that I will miss out on the hours left in the day because my body is too weak and I’m just too tired. Unfortunately, sometimes no matter how strong the mind is, the body just can’t.

So what do you do when you find yourself watching your entire life slipping through your fingers, little by little, day by day? When every day seems a little more difficult to get through and you feel a little weaker than you did yesterday. How do you make that go away?

This is the most helpless I have ever felt. The worst of it is, it feels as though I’m watching from a distance with my hands tied behind my back, unable to stop it, unable to do anything. I don’t feel like I’m in control of my life anymore and that is unbearably terrifying. How did this happen? When did this horrible disease take control of me? I don’t understand. I make sure I’m positive, I keep my mind strong the entire time and yet my body continues to fail me, a little more every day. There is more pain now then I have ever known and it’s hard, I find myself screaming silently all too often and repeating the words, “please, just make it go away” in my mind a lot. I fight the tears but they win sometimes. I suppose that’s just how thing goes. Everyone told me there would be days like this, unfortunately I had no idea that there would be so many. I am trying though and I am still very positive. i will get through this, I have to!

I still haven’t been able to make the big decision about a treatment yet. I’ve been looking into a few alternative therapy options and trying to weigh up the pros and cons of everything but it’s extremely difficult. The truth is, I have absolutely no idea what to do! I really want to live what’s left of my life but at the same time I don’t want to pass up an opportunity to kill this thing. It’s just too much, I don’t know. I am standing at a very confusing fork in this road known as my life and for the very first time, I don’t even have an inkling of an idea which way to go. I wish that someone could help me with this decision; I wish that someone could decide for me. In the meantime, I continue to take it all one day at a time, make the little decisions as and when I have to and just carry on. I’m trying very hard not to look too far ahead.

As far as an ‘update’ goes, all I can tell you at this point is… The road is becoming increasingly tedious and I am weary but I’m still walking. The battle is tough and this enemy is stronger than I ever imagined but I am still fighting, with all that I am. I know, in my heart of hearts, that this cancer thing will not beat me. It may take my strength, it may even end my life but I know, even now, that I have already won this fight purely because I did not let it take my soul and even as I lay here, unable to function properly, I know that my mind is still stronger than this thing and through it all, I still have faith and most importantly, I am still me.

I came across a song today, another one that I have listened to a million times before but in this very moment, it just seems like the most appropriate thing I can say. It’s deep, really deep and I think it speaks perfectly to my state of mind at the moment. Listen to it if you can, the music is as powerful as the words. The song is called Dear Agony by a group I adore called Breaking Benjamin. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea but you have to admit, it is brilliant.

“Dear Agony”

I have nothing left to give
I have found the perfect end
You were made to make it hurt
Disappear into the dirt
Carry me to heaven’s arms
Light the way and let me go
Take the time to take my breath
I will end where I began
And I will find the enemy within
Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin
Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Dear Agony
Suddenly
The lights go out
Let forever
Drag me down
I will fight for one last breath
I will fight until the end
And I will find the enemy within
Cause I can feel it crawl beneath my skin
Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Don’t bury me
Faceless enemy
I’m so sorry
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Dear Agony
Leave me alone
God let me go
I’m blue and cold
Black sky will burn
Love pull me down
Hate lift me up
Just turn around
There’s nothing left
Somewhere far beyond this world
I feel nothing anymore
Dear Agony
Just let go of me
Suffer slowly
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Don’t bury me
Faceless enemy
I’m so sorry
Is this the way it’s gotta be?
Dear Agony
I feel nothing anymore

My wish for you today is that you are able to live today to the max. Don’t take a single second for granted and whatever you do, do not pass up the opportunity to say or do something that will change a life. You never know what tomorrow will throw at you so please, please, make today count. These are the moments that matter, these are the moment that mean the most, don’t let them pass you by.

Oh, one more thing… I’m still working on the soundtrack to my life and I still want your input so please, keep those tracks coming!

Much Love

One Day At A Time

x

 

3 thoughts on “Dear Agony

  1. Dear Mandy – That is hauntingly beautiful. No one can know how you feel – your feelings probably change from minute to minute. I pray for strength and for help in making decisions. I thank the Lord for you – you are a lesson to us all. I go on my knees before the Lord on your behalf and ask that you feel His peace, His love and no fear. Miracles are real. When we take everything into account Love is everything. You are loved so much. God bless you Cathy x

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  2. Hi Mandy. I am so in awe of your strength during this very trying time. I don’t think anyone can really know or understand how you must be feeling and your blog, especially the above is so inspiring and a reminder to all of us to enjoy every minute of every day. May the Lord Bless you during this time and give you strength and peace. Luv B

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