Words Fail Me…

My emotions seem to running away with me today.  I’m battling to fight the tears and my heart is full it actually aches.  I’m exhausted with emotion and I just have to get it out, it feels as though I am going to explode if I don’t.  I have so much to be grateful for, so many blessings. I have to tell you about them, I have to let you know, there are still good, pure people in this world, there are still angels in our lives.

I’ve never really been a person that struggles with words; it’s never been a problem for me to express myself, especially in writing. I may not be able to say the words sometimes and I tend to seem a bit hard in person but when it comes to putting my feelings down on paper, I’ve never really had to put much thought into it.

This seems to be yet another thing cancer has changed about me though. I finally got to sit down and read through all the comments, messages, emails, etc and although I had every intention of responding to each and every one, I just haven’t been able to do it. For the first time in my life, I cannot find the words and I simply don’t have the strength to search for them. I cannot believe that there could be so much love, so much support for someone like me. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out what I have done to deserve so much love and support and I can’t find anything great enough to make me worthy of this. I wish that you could see how the tears flow like rivers while I read all the words of support. I wish that I could give you insight into my soul, I believe that only them would you understand how deeply touched I am.

I look at my big brother, at everything he’s doing, the worry on his face and the love in his eyes and I have to turn away to stop the tears. I have always had a very special relationship with my brother and he has always been my rock, through everything he has been there and he has protected me from anything and everything. Darren has made it his mission to drive the cancer awareness cause and he has put his heart and soul into supporting me. He has always been my hero, my role model and the one person I have always aspired to become like but since my diagnosis I have found a new respect for him, a new love and admiration on a whole new level. I couldn’t do this without you Darren Herbst, I wouldn’t want to try. Not a day goes by that I don’t notice and appreciate you, I see your heart and I know your pain, I know how hard you try to be strong for me. I need you to know that you don’t have to be, you just have to stay close to me and we can be weak together.  I love you more than words. You inspire me every day and I get so much of my strength from you.

I have the most amazing family. I wish that I could find the words to tell them how grateful I am for them, how much they inspire me and how lost I would be without their love and support. I know how blessed I am and how fortunate I am to have them in my life. Seeing the pain on the faces of the people I love so dearly is so difficult and so motivating at the same time. Knowing how this is affecting my family makes me fight harder and find the strength when I’m weak.  I love you all, so much. Thank you for every moment, I will never, ever forget.

I was given the gift of an awesome husband too, not a day goes by that he does not enrich my life and not a moment passes that I do not fear the day that I won’t be able to see his beautiful face.  Marnewicke Loubser, you are the most amazing gift I have ever received and I would not survive a day without you. Even though you are fighting this battle with me and it is as hard for you as it is for me, you are so strong, you give me so much support and you remind me every day of why I’m fighting so hard. Thank you for keeping me going, for making me smile and for staying by my side. Thank you for crying with me, for me and for wiping my tears. You are the most amazing person I have ever known and you deserve the best.  I love you to the moon and back,

There is a very, very special person, I have mentioned him before but he continues to amaze me and so I must make mention of him again… Keith Smith, you are truly an angel and I will never cease to be amazed at how you have taken me under your wing. You have raised me up and pulled me out of the trenches so many times, without even knowing it. You have inspired me, motivated me and reminded me of everything that is good and pure about this world. You are a legend and I am honored to call you friend. Thank You! Everyone should have a Keith Smith in their lives, I am so proud to know you and to be touched by you and your family.

The things people are doing in support of me and my journey amaze me more and more every day.  A little while ago I mentioned a clothing line which has been designed in my honor, well, the line will be launched in a boutique on Saturday, what could I possibly say to that? A clothing line, in a boutique, sold to the public with a percentage of the proceeds going to the Vrede Foundation to help young people, like me in fighting a cancer battle… all of this for me…. wow!  I’ve been asked to say a few words at the launch, when Yolandi, the designer of this awesome, amazing line, asked me, my first thought was, how do I get through that without bursting into tears and secondly, how do I find the words? What can I possibly say to these people that will in any way justify all of this? Yolandi has already given me a bunch of clothing from the line and I wear it with the biggest smile knowing that these items were designed and made with me in mind; I inspired the design of a clothing line… I don’t even know how to comprehend that. The line is truly amazing and I cannot wait to see people wearing these clothes. Thank you Yolandi, thank you Pin-Up Stylists!

Then there’s the 94.7 cycle challenge, I actually don’t even know how many people are riding the race in support of me. I’m not talking about professional or even seasoned cyclists, I’m talking about amateurs, everyday, run of the mill people, some of which have never done a cycle race at all never mind a grueling challenge through Johannesburg of over 100 kms. There are simply no words to describe what this means to me.  I so desperately wanted to do this race myself this year, I was so excited to wear my Vrede Foundation cycling kit, get on the bike and show my support for an awesome cause. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to ride, the race falls right in the middle of my 2nd round of chemo. Although I will most definitely be there, cheering all my supporters on and probably crying like a child, I wish that I could be on the road. My amazing brother and wonderful husband will be riding the race on a tandem… I can’t wait to see that, two of the biggest guys I know on one bike, navigating the hills of Johannesburg for me.  Thank you, to all of you. I will be riding with you in spirit and I will be on the side line every step of the way.

The support I’ve received from the Vrede Foundation goes beyond any support I’ve ever given them. Vrede has been so close to my heart for so long and I’ve always loved the cause, its amazing founders and all the fantastic people who make up the foundation but I never thought I would come to rely so much on them. I’ve seen the Vrede message spread so far and wide since my diagnosis and it makes me so proud to think that I inspired some of that. We’ve seen so many new donations, awesome sponsorships and most importantly, people are taking notice, not only of the Vrede Foundation but of its cause.  I am so proud to be associated with an organisation like this, with people who actually care about the cause they promote. The Vrede merchandise is selling at an unbelievable rate and every time I see a cyclist in a Vrede kit or someone wearing a Vrede T-shirt, my heart melts and the tears flow purely because I know that the proceeds of that piece of clothing have gone to helping someone like me. I am not a Vrede ‘employee’ and this is most certainly not a sales pitch, I simply have to tell you about something that is affecting my life, my journey and most definitely assisting in fighting my battle.  I would seriously suggest that you have a look at this cause and offer your support.

There are so many things, so many people; I could never mention them all. I’m sure that I don’t even know about half of them. I am so unbelievably grateful for all of them. Thank you to all the people, all over the world who have shared my blog, spread my message, held me up in prayer, researched so much and even shaved their heads to show support, you are all my angels and I love you all so very much. Thank You.

Much Love, Many Tears & a Heart Bursting with Gratitude

One Day at A Time

4 thoughts on “Words Fail Me…

  1. Mands I just want you to know that you have so much love and support from people because of how you have touched their lives and how special you are. Another thing I just have to tell you is that you are as special to your brother as he is to you – he has and always will love and adore you, you have a special relationship the two of you – always cherish it.
    Love you lots Mands, keep strong, keep fighting and always remember to laugh as much as you breath! God Bless you.

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  2. To an absolute Angel: Mandy Loubser…babe you are truly a wonderful person. I admire you so much. Here I sit, reading your blog, and crying for you and with you. Unlike you, I seriously have a big problem with putting what’s in my heart on paper, but I love you the whole world full!
    I admire you to the ends of the earth…you are such a special person!
    Please know that you are never out of my thoughts or prayers…Thank you for beeing you!!!

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  3. What a beautiful blog! Read it with tears in my eyes. We also started supporting thr Vrede cause this year. My husband and friend will be cycling for Vrede cause. We all feel it is a fantastic cause to support.

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  4. I wish with all my heart that I could be there, even though my limbs would never allow me to take part. But I cannot even travel at this time as my travel documents are at the home office where they’re preparing my citizenship documents. You are more special than you know – so brave and so humble! I know I say it loads, but it’s true, I love you long time, Mands! I am so touched by your strength and honesty, you make me so proud, still thinking of others first and putting yourself last! I sport this bald head in your honour – and I will shave it every year in October, to support you and all others who battle this devastating illness.

    Love you loads xxx

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