9 Months in Hell – My Confession, My Apology, My Plea.

My dearest friends, beloved travellers, precious cancer journey family…

Hello again. It has been some time hasn’t it. WOW! I have missed you all so much. Walking alone has been lonely, terrifying, excruciatingly painful, tedious, strenuous and quite honestly… hideous!  It has been an inexplicable experience that I never, ever want to relive.  I have truly missed your comfort, support and company. From the depths of my heart, I am sincerely and desperately sorry for having left you. I can assure you though, you have missed nothing positive or pretty or nice. I am back now. Well, I think that I’m back. I promise you that I am going to try because if there is only one thing that I am sure of the right now it is that I need you more now than I ever have and I cannot carry on this journey alone. This load is too heavy and I am too weak. I need you to carry me now, with all that I am I beg of you… carry me now.    

It has been do long since I’ve been able to write… not for a lack of trying, I assure you. Unfortunately I got myself into a pit of fear, anger, pain, self pity and complete anguish. I’ve been so demotivated for so long and sharing all of that negativity with you was not an option for me. To be honest, I am inexplicably ashamed of what I have allowed cancer to do to me, take from me and turn me into. I have failed you, the people that stood by me, encouraged me, supported me and believed in me… I have let you down and the truth is, I haven’t written a post for so long because I have been too ashamed to “face” you as the weak, withered failure that I have become. I promised that my posts would always be real and true, I couldn’t bring myself to share this hideous reality with you but I would never lie and so I avoided my site, my blog, all the messages and requests for updates. I curled up into a little ball and hid from the world. So that is where I’ve been and I’m ashamed to say, this is where I am now. I want to get out though, I need to get out and I believe that with your help, with your support, I can do it, I can come back to life. Will you help me? Will you walk with me again ? Will you carry me for a little while? It’s not going to be easy and I doubt it will be much fun but I cant do it without you.

Let’s start off slowly, take it One Day At A Time and get back into our rhythm. If you will walk with me again, read my posts, give me your thoughts and your comments, interact with me and share my story, our story with as many people as you possibly can, I promise that I will keep the posts coming. I will share the ugly truth of what the last few months has been and I will share every moment from now on. I promise to explain the cryptic posts of the past, respond to every comment, answer every question and consider every piece of advice you csn send my way.

I know that I have let you down, disappointed you and broken my promise to you. I cannot even hegin to tell you how much I regret that, how truly sorry I am and what I would give to take it back. For this reason I understsnd if you are sceptical but give me chance, I beg of you. I can inspire you again.  I will inspire you again. Trust me, believe in me and allow me to touch your life again.

So here’s the deal. Please could you drop me a reply / comment / message and let me know if you’re still with me, if I still have you and if you’re walking this journey with me.  You msy not understand it right now but I really, really need to hear that you’re still in and that you haven’t given up on me. Please, please drop me a line.

And finally, I will only ask one last thing of you… please could you take just a moment and share this site with as msny people as you can. At this stage, I really do need all of the support I can get and I would really appreciate having some more people walking this journey with me. So, please,  type an email with a decription of what this site is to you and an invitation to join the journey and send it off to all of your contacts.  Do the same on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, BBM, WhatsApp, WeChat and any and every other platform you know of. I know it’s a lot to ask but I think you already know (from my previous posts & those of you that have come to know me) how incredibly important this site, this journey and the people who share it are to me. It really would mean the world to me.
http://onedayatatimebymands.com

A huge thank you to those who have stayed in touch despite my absence here and to those who will pick up the pieces and carry on with me now. There may be very little time left on this journey but nothing would give me more peace than to walk these final steps with you.

I hope that you can see the desperation, sencerity and raw emotion in this post. The only purpose of which is to let you know these four things:
☆I am so incredibly sorry for disappearing.
☆I love you ALL so very much.
☆I need YOU more now than I ever have or ever will.
☆I am here until my last breathe and I will never disappear again.

Im my next post I’ll start trying to explain describe snd walk you through the last 9 months. Please understand, the time I’ve been ‘away’ has literally broken me so I must warn you in advance, these posts are going to be raw, hard, difficult and extremely emotional. It’s going to take a lot to write them so please, bear with me.

Until then, please consider what I’ve asked of you, get in touch, let me back in and most importantly, forgive me.

Much Love

One Day At A Time
♡☆♡

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54 thoughts on “9 Months in Hell – My Confession, My Apology, My Plea.

  1. Hi Mands,
    We all right here. You haven’t left us and we haven’t left you for a minute. It’s all been part of your process and we respect that, infact it feels like we read your last post yesterday. You’ve been in all our minds and all our prays. We love you and respect you more than ever.
    Thanks for the post, we with you all the way. Keep fighting and inspiring the way you always do.
    Sincerely Keith

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    1. My precious,cherished Keith, Sandy & beautiful boys. I am so grateful and so honored to call you my family. You have been there every step of the way and although completely undeserving, I am inexplicably thankful for your love and support. Thank you. ♡☆♡

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  2. We love you, and nobody is perfect everybody has faults Mands. I know I will be there for you until the end and even after that. Hang in there, and can’t wait to read your next post. Love you MILLIONS

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  3. I never left you sweetheart. I cannot begin to understand what you have been going through but you are loved and supported by so many people. I know I feel privileged that you are opening up to us in such a beautifully vulnerable way. You never stopped being an inspiration to me. Continuing to pray for you with much love, Gabi.

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  4. Never gave up on you! Not going anywhere.. happy to have you back and proud to walk the rest of your journey with you 🙂 stay strong and much love!!

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  5. You dont have to apologise as only you will know what you have been through. You still inspire everyone – blog or no blog. The journey you have been on was obviously no walk through the park, but you are still here and you are still the fighter everyone knows and love. Keep your chin up, we are all still here. Cant wait for the next blog. Keeping you in our prayers. Strongs.xxx

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  6. You are often in my thoughts and prayers Mandy whether you are communicating or not. Don’t lose hope in a big, big God who has all things under His control. He loves you eternally and so do many others. Sending you the biggest hug and much love.

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  7. We are always here for you!! We have never forgotten and think of you all the time! You are spoken about at home, Work, Church – everywhere. You are an inspiration to all! Loads of love, Mark and Hayley.

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  8. Mands , you are not alone – you strong and beautiful – you have shown this cancer thing that you are a fighter – keep fighting girl and dont give up – we will take this “one day at a time” TOGETHER ! We wil be there for you all the way ! Luvs ya !

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  9. I am here and will continue to be. I have been touched deeply by all your letters to us and I want you to know that you are braver and stronger than what you give yourself ccredit for! I am so happy that you are writing again!

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  10. Hi Mandy. You’ve never met me, but I have followed your journey from your first post. I was a work colleague of your cousin, Vanessa, now in Aussie. I always looked forward to reading your posts and admire your strength and courage to share this unenviable experience with everyone – family, friends and strangers who become friends through your blog. Stop punishing yourself – we’re just so glad you are back! Be strong and have faith xxx

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  11. Dearest Mandy. I’m not generally one for comments etc – having not seen you in 15 odd years, I didn’t feel that it was really my place, but now that you’ve asked, I think it’s okay for me to say that you’re amazing.

    I read your twitter even though I don’t follow you, I read your blog, all your FB posts, and spend a lot of time thinking of you. Your story, your journey, and just who you are is inspirational.

    After your initial diagnosis last year I spent ages trying to find a photo I took of you when we were 12, but it’s unfortunately been lost. You had on a black polo neck and were trying out the sultry look – I wish I still had it to show you.

    There are some of us out there, like me, who aren’t big on the commenting, or even big on the praying TBH, but who think of you often, and send silent love and good wishes, who cry at some of your posts, and who think you are a hero. xx

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    1. Rosie, my dear friend.
      Hearing from you is such a wonderful surprise. I have so many beautiful memories of you and I as kids and I too follow your life from a facebook distance.
      You are someone I have admired for most of my life and to hear you refer to me in this way is so far beyond an honour it is actually hard to swallow.
      You are beautiful indide and out snd your bubbly, fun personality has stuck in my mind and my heart for so many years.
      Thank you for taking the time to leave a comment, it really does mean so much to me.Thank you for the compliments and the memories. You have brought a smile to my face and a warmth to my heart.
      Much Love

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  12. It is when we are at our weakest that the Lord can work with us. You never left us other that to travel a hard road – we were always with you and most importantly Jesus was with you. Know that we love you – take a minute close your eyes and know ‘You are loved’

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  13. You are not alone …. there for you every step of the way – you are a fighter so you keep fighting girl and dont give up….we will take it “one day at a time” TOGETHER!!!! luvs ya xxxx

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  14. Mandy,

    Been following your blog since you started, and been following your facebook and twitter feeds too. You have been an inspiration to me through this blog, and have opened my eyes to the reality of Cancer. You have walked into my home and workplace with your story, and the legend you lived will be remembers for generations to come.

    Keep sharing your story!

    Ashley Svensson

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    1. Ashley, thank you so much. It is such a pleasure to share my story with you and I’m honoured to have you share this journey with me.
      I have fond memories of you as a child, I admired you for your focus, your stability and your kind heart.
      Thank you for allowing me and my journey into your life
      Much Love

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  15. How lovely to hear from you again – I have missed reading your posts! Although I don’t know you, I have followed your journey from the start – you are one inspirational lady! X

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  16. Hi Mandy …. we also haven’t met, but have also followed your inspiration blogs …. worked with you cousin Vanessa for many years …. Have admired the way you have challenged the cards that you have been dealt with ….. if we are honest with ourselves & each other we all have to deal with unforeseen circumstances that present themselves beyond our control. Hopefully we have to cope with them in the most positive way possible … & with you fantastic positive energy that I feel though your journey I know you will get through this in the best possible way ….. so there are many of us with you on your journey …

    Lots & lots of Love … Mike Fisher 🙂

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    1. Hi Mike.
      It’s great to meet you. Thank you for taking this journey with me.
      Your kind words and compliments are very much appreciated and I am so grateful that you are walking this road with me.
      Thank you for encouraging me, inspiring me and giving me strength to fight, fight and keep fighting.
      I am lucky to have you with me on my journey.
      Much Love

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  17. Hi Mandy,

    I was linked to your site by Carole, a friend of yours – and my, aren’t you going through the mill! I really admire your determination and courage – and it may be some small help for you to know that I had my last treatment for secondaries 22 years ago.

    I don’t want to write reams here, but I do have a very general and very ‘occasional’ blog, which sometimes features guest blogs, some by people with cancer or other devastating illnesses, which you might find interesting. I could also link people to your site from my blog, if you wish.

    I will link you to my bog at a page which will give you an outline of my survival, as it was published a few years ago on the BBC website.

    In the meantime try and keep your spirits up and fight on! My best wishes for your recovery.

    Willo xx

    http://willosworld.wordpress.com/2009/12/03/bbc-my-story-survival-kiss-of-life-willo/

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  18. Hi my Mands, I’m always here and I will always love you special girl. You are always in my prayers, forever in my thoughts and constantly on my mind…keep going, you are so brave.. Love you so very much xx

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  19. Hi Mandy. I have been praying for you the moment the news spread about your cancer. You are truely an inspiration to other woman and know this….Nothing is impossible for God…He heals every day. I’m also sure that you hear this every day and you are tired of hearing it…. But He is not leaving your side. I have a blind autistic son that is my world. Altough our struggles are different, its also the same. We never knows what tomorrow holds. Every day is a huge challange and never the same, but I was given this struggle for a reason. Still trying to figure it all out, but same with you. You were given a battle no one knows why, but remember this: Stay on you knees in front of God and don’t let go of the real person you are! Good luck and I will continue praying!!!!

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  20. Mandy,
    My apologies for only getting to your email (blog) today – things this side has been mare than just hectic.

    Angle, just remember ONE thing: Although some ‘friends’ do not always call, or write / email, or have any line of communication actively going on; does not mean that these ‘friends’ are not thinking, praying, wishing, hoping and holding thumbs for you. Some of us just stand back and gave you the space and time you needed to decide IF you are going to give it you’re all and fight this to whichever outcome it may lead.

    Some of us have had previous experience with cancer, maybe not ourselves but with close family and if I may, this is what I have seen, learned and know…..

    1. If the mind is not up to the fight – the war is lost: My step-dad had Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma, 1981 first diagnosed and went into complete remission +/- 1984. Of the group of 20+ that was receiving treatment, only three walked out….. 2002 it returned due to a simple accident and missed internal bleeding. He did not even tried to fight the second time, he just said he was tired and three weeks and two days later he said good-buy. There are a few others that I can mention but would rather not.

    2. Mind rules over matter: My dearest uncle was and had cancer almost right through his body – I cannot think of a system in him that was not effected, or what has not been propped and probed that cancer was not recorded. Since I can remember this was what was part of his live (late 1970 something). He never gave in, never gave up. He always believed he still has more to give and to do in this world. He even started a profitable farm in the late 1980’s and worked it everyday until the old age got to him. Even then he helped his son-in-law to start-up a new firm. He only gave up the fight of LIVING WITH CANCER in September 2009 at the age of 72. Yes, he was drinking morphine, and yes, he was receiving some kind of treatment (even from a state facility) but I think it was mostly his stubbornness that kept him going.

    You CAN fight the cancer – BUT ONLY if you put your mind to it; and that will only be possible IF YOU DECIDE to do it…….

    IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME (I mean YOU)!

    Thinking and praying for you, as always. V

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  21. I came upon your blog accidently and started reading what you had wrote and I can say I am amazed at your spirit’You were so posistive and uplifting!Thanks for making my day!I also started following you.The world needs more people like you!I will add you to my prayers and add me too yours,Thanks again.

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  22. Have you ever thought about writing an e-book or guest authoring on
    other blogs? I have a blog based on the same subjects you discuss and would really like
    to have you share some stories/information. I know my visitors
    would appreciate your work. If you’re even remotely interested, feel free to shoot me an email.

    Like

  23. Admiring the time and energy you put into your blog and detailed information you provide.
    It’s nice to come across a blog every once in a while that
    isn’t the same out of date rehashed material.

    Like

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