My dearest friends, beloved travellers, precious cancer journey family…
Hello again. It has been some time hasn’t it. WOW! I have missed you all so much. Walking alone has been lonely, terrifying, excruciatingly painful, tedious, strenuous and quite honestly… hideous! It has been an inexplicable experience that I never, ever want to relive. I have truly missed your comfort, support and company. From the depths of my heart, I am sincerely and desperately sorry for having left you. I can assure you though, you have missed nothing positive or pretty or nice. I am back now. Well, I think that I’m back. I promise you that I am going to try because if there is only one thing that I am sure of the right now it is that I need you more now than I ever have and I cannot carry on this journey alone. This load is too heavy and I am too weak. I need you to carry me now, with all that I am I beg of you… carry me now.
It has been do long since I’ve been able to write… not for a lack of trying, I assure you. Unfortunately I got myself into a pit of fear, anger, pain, self pity and complete anguish. I’ve been so demotivated for so long and sharing all of that negativity with you was not an option for me. To be honest, I am inexplicably ashamed of what I have allowed cancer to do to me, take from me and turn me into. I have failed you, the people that stood by me, encouraged me, supported me and believed in me… I have let you down and the truth is, I haven’t written a post for so long because I have been too ashamed to “face” you as the weak, withered failure that I have become. I promised that my posts would always be real and true, I couldn’t bring myself to share this hideous reality with you but I would never lie and so I avoided my site, my blog, all the messages and requests for updates. I curled up into a little ball and hid from the world. So that is where I’ve been and I’m ashamed to say, this is where I am now. I want to get out though, I need to get out and I believe that with your help, with your support, I can do it, I can come back to life. Will you help me? Will you walk with me again ? Will you carry me for a little while? It’s not going to be easy and I doubt it will be much fun but I cant do it without you.
Let’s start off slowly, take it One Day At A Time and get back into our rhythm. If you will walk with me again, read my posts, give me your thoughts and your comments, interact with me and share my story, our story with as many people as you possibly can, I promise that I will keep the posts coming. I will share the ugly truth of what the last few months has been and I will share every moment from now on. I promise to explain the cryptic posts of the past, respond to every comment, answer every question and consider every piece of advice you csn send my way.
I know that I have let you down, disappointed you and broken my promise to you. I cannot even hegin to tell you how much I regret that, how truly sorry I am and what I would give to take it back. For this reason I understsnd if you are sceptical but give me chance, I beg of you. I can inspire you again. I will inspire you again. Trust me, believe in me and allow me to touch your life again.
So here’s the deal. Please could you drop me a reply / comment / message and let me know if you’re still with me, if I still have you and if you’re walking this journey with me. You msy not understand it right now but I really, really need to hear that you’re still in and that you haven’t given up on me. Please, please drop me a line.
And finally, I will only ask one last thing of you… please could you take just a moment and share this site with as msny people as you can. At this stage, I really do need all of the support I can get and I would really appreciate having some more people walking this journey with me. So, please, type an email with a decription of what this site is to you and an invitation to join the journey and send it off to all of your contacts. Do the same on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, BBM, WhatsApp, WeChat and any and every other platform you know of. I know it’s a lot to ask but I think you already know (from my previous posts & those of you that have come to know me) how incredibly important this site, this journey and the people who share it are to me. It really would mean the world to me.
A huge thank you to those who have stayed in touch despite my absence here and to those who will pick up the pieces and carry on with me now. There may be very little time left on this journey but nothing would give me more peace than to walk these final steps with you.
I hope that you can see the desperation, sencerity and raw emotion in this post. The only purpose of which is to let you know these four things:
☆I am so incredibly sorry for disappearing.
☆I love you ALL so very much.
☆I need YOU more now than I ever have or ever will.
☆I am here until my last breathe and I will never disappear again.
Im my next post I’ll start trying to explain describe snd walk you through the last 9 months. Please understand, the time I’ve been ‘away’ has literally broken me so I must warn you in advance, these posts are going to be raw, hard, difficult and extremely emotional. It’s going to take a lot to write them so please, bear with me.
Until then, please consider what I’ve asked of you, get in touch, let me back in and most importantly, forgive me.
One Day At A Time