Today I’m writing to you from my favourite place on earth… the place I call “my spot” on the beach on Blouberg beach in Cape Town. It’s quite funny how I came to be here now. It’s been a rough few weeks, more about that later, and so I decided to take a few extra days in Cape Town because I had to travel here for a radio interview. When I arrived at the apartment I rented for my stay, I walked onto the balcony and my eyes filled with tears immediately. I was staring directly at my spot, not in inch either way, simply right there. I believe to this day, Good saw that I was in hell and so he sent me heaven. I am completely at peace now and feeling amazing.
So it’s been 17 months (so much for the 6 month death sentence) of ups and downs, good days and many, many bad and yet, I am still here, I’m still kicking and life carries on. The hardest part of this journey has become the limitations it has placed on my life, although I resist them daily, it does take effort, which I feel is an unnecessary waste of extremely valuable time. I can report however that the last month has been a breeze when it comes to cancer in comparison to the earlier 16.
Everything about me has been tested in the last 17 months; cancer seemed to become a smaller of the many obstacles I’ve had to face of late. Yet, it is still there, it is still an obstacle and it still runs my daily life to my utter disgust.
In October of last year I was forced to go for a check-up after having my morphine taken from me. I last all of 2 days without it and let me tell you, there is no withdrawal in the world like a morphine withdrawal coupled with the crippling pain of cancer running through your body. It was one hell of a fight, a degrading and humiliating experience that landed me in a mental institution for a week for substance abuse ( as if I intentionally and deliberately took morphine for recreation). Needless to say, these “doctors” will never be seeing me again unless it’s in court. I have never in my life felt more emotional pain along with my physical pain.
Long story short, I am no longer on morphine and it has done wonders for some parts of my life unfortunately, those don’t include the pain of the ever-present cancer though. Although I am grateful to be rid of an addiction to such a terrible drug, I have built such a hatred, mistrust and perception of complete incompetence in the medical community in this country. I have never been so badly treated in my life.
That being said, I am finally mobile again, and thank God for that… after spending the last six months bed bound, I managed to get myself up and about after leaving the mental institution. Before that, I slept day and night and when I was not asleep I was crying in agony, never leaving my bed. I slept so deeply from the medication that couldn’t be woken by a phone call or the doorbell. The reason I’m tell you this is 2 weeks ago, there was a fire in our home which destroyed the house and killing my children (my 2 teacup Yorkies ) in the process. Thankfully I was not home and even more so, I was not bed bound. They say everything happens for a reason and after this ordeal I cannot help but believe that to be true.
Unfortunately, apart from the material items in the house, I lost my children, my babies. The little monsters that stayed by my side day in and day out and loved me unconditionally. That is something I cannot get my head around. I don’t care what anyone says but I have not lost my pets, I have lost my children and my heart is so horribly broken that cannot even look at a toy or a hair brush without falling apart. Britney and Charlie played such a big part in my journey, losing them has made me lose a huge part of the strength I had for his fight. They say there is no loss like the loss of a child and now that I have lost mine, I fight so that my parents will not have to experience that. I’ve been through so much in this life but no trauma will ever compare to holding those two little lifeless bodies in my arms and knowing I would never see my children again except for in my dreams.
Although there has been so much drama, so much of which I won’t even mention for the sake of not complaining, there have been good days too. My amazing friend and pillar of strength, Lee-Anne Van Renen, threw me the most amazing birthday party at which I partied like a rock star, so much so that I missed half of it 😉 my wonderful brother and sister opened their home to us and have been so kind, loving and supportive through this whole ordeal and I am finally back at work, although not full day, I’m getting there and it feels great. I’m really starting to feel like a human being again.
As far as a medical update goes… I’m sorry but I don’t have one and I have no intention of getting one, I really am living one day at a time and travelling this journey my way. What will be will be and I’m quite happy with that. I’m trying to do one thing different every day… today; I’m blogging on the beach with a Bloody Mary. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
Again, I have to take the opportunity to thank everyone who has been so supportive, so loving and so involved. The biggest shout out to my very special friend Yvonne in the UK, you’re thoughts, prayers, messages and calls are not unnoticed and I adore you. I would not be where I am today without ALL the support and love from all of you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you and I love you like ice is cold.
And your inspiration for today… you know that thing you’ve always wanted to do… you should go and do it… today! Take a good read at my journey and allow it to help you realise the potential you have within yourself. Whatever it is you are going through, you can do it because you are awesome, you are loved and you are special. Fight to live, live to love and love to live.
Until we meet again
One Day At A Time