So, cancer free and loving every moment of it, I catch myself craving a challenge now. I fought so hard for so long that it became a way of life for me and now that it’s over, I feel like I need to be doing something else that’s great and inspiring. So what’s next for cancer-free me?
Well, for the moment I’m just trying to get back into life, it’s crazy how much confidence I lost on my cancer journey and getting it back is a challenge on it’s own but I just feel like I need more, I need something big. I need something to inspire you and to stimulate me. I have a renewed life, energy, ambition… I need to use it! I’ve come up with a few options and I’ve been trying to work on them, although I’ve been unsuccessful so far, I see it as yet another journey, yet another battle and I’m so ready for the fight.
Firstly, apart from getting back into the swing of things in my own business I’ve decided to look for another job, something that will push me and challenge me. I’ve sent my CV out to a million people and another million places and nothing’s come if it yet but I’ll keep searching, if any of you know of anything out there, I’d appreciate the head’s up.
Then there’s the big thing, my greatest wish and the goal I have not achieved…. I want to me a Mommy!
For as long as I can remember I’ve wanted to be a mother. Finding out I can’t naturally have children was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with (And there have been quite a few of those in my life) and it broke my heart. Even through cancer I never stopped wishing for a child and now that I am rid of the monster that invaded my body for so long I want it even more. Unfortunately this is one thing I can’t do on my own, unlike fighting cancer, it’s not just me and I can’t make it happen.
I often find myself getting angry when I look at some parents, I think to myself, “I know I would be a good mother so why can a bad mother have a child and I can’t.” I get irritated when pregnant women complain about pregnancy and when parents complain about their children. It’s wrong of me, I know that but I just can’t help it. I would give almost anything to be a mother.
I so desperately want to feel the movement of a little life where there once was a monster inside of me, to look into little eyes that look like mine and to hold a tiny hand that is so precious and special. I want to be responsible for bringing a new life into this crazy world and bringing him or her up with the lessons I’ve learned and watching him or her grow into a strong, wonderful person who will always, no matter how much time passes, be my baby and will always need me, no matter how old he or she gets. I crave that… to be needed, to be everything to someone and to be loved without exception by someone that comes from me, is a part of me, someone that no one can ever take from me. I want to be Mommy!
Unfortunately, IVF is expensive and not guaranteed but it is an option for me and one that I want with everything that I am, if there is the slightest chance that it will work, I’ll do it. But, it’s not just up to me, if it were, I would’ve done it 6 times over. My husband has a million terms and conditions and he’s not budging, no matter how much I pour my soul into all of the begging and pleading I do. Knowing that my biggest dream lies in someone else’s hands is a very bitter pill for me to swallow and I’m having trouble dealing with that. What I need here is another miracle. I feel selfish saying that in light of the mere fact that I am here writing this is a miracle and although I am so grateful to have my life back, I want, with all of my being to pass that life on.
So, as I go about my journey searching for the next big challenge, longing for that unfulfilled goal and fighting my way through “recovery”, I hope that you’re still with me, I hope that I can still hold your interest and inspire you somehow through this journey. In fact, I’d like to ask you a favour… a big one… if you’ve been following my blog you will have come to know me quite well and so, I’d like your input, I want to know what you think I should do next, where should this journey take me now? What should I do and what is your opinion on my yearning to have a child? Please get in touch and give me your thoughts. I need your help to make an impact on this world.
Hope to hear from you soon
One Day At A Time